Panic pt 1: Crying and Laughing for Help

CW: panic attack

Set up/ Context: I’m riding out a panic attack as I type. I’m struggling with changes in medication.  I feel illiterate so excuse the bad writing. But I have to write because writing is a better coping strategy than stuff like cutting or swallowing a bunch of random pill.

Dear netizens and friends,

I just counted the number of corners in the apartment. There are 64, including the closets. I’d like to become very small and hide in those corners.

I reluctantly woke my boyfriend up at 4am by bursting into the room while making terrible noises that sounds something like “Aaaahegh heough heough, AAAAAA heogh heogh..” If sad lemons could cry, then that’s what I must have sounded like.

I told him that all I want to do is to dig a hole into the Earth, fill it with a bunch of cats, and then inject myself into it. And seal off the top with a sewage top. I’d like to live in it forever, I think. It’ll just be me and the cats, in a tight space.

I’m sobbing in between. I’m sobbing because I’m scared. I’m scared because IT has returned.

The IT is a taboo. IT is the suicidal impulse. The one that offers an alternative to Fight or Flight. This one is called Flight or Die. I’m confused by it just as any healthy person is, even though I’ve been used to it and familiar with it. The thing that makes it so terrifying is because it’s a sudden relapse. I thought I was on the right meds and that it was a feeling that I could get over with.

I still don’t know how to talk about this very well. But I can feel blood rushing to my head and hearing the sound of thunder clouds gathering, or a torrential wave crashing down. The terrible emotions surging like fire, burning up my throat the entire time.

I just smoked a ton of grass to calm down. I ate a bunch of vaped stuff and the foggy headache is here. It’s still better than other things.

I need help, man. I’m shamelessly asking for help and talking about this because as much as I want to die, I’d like to to say that I have the right to exist and require help just like any other ordinary individual.



Panic pt 1: Crying and Laughing for Help

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